pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
