She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
