I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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