I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
