No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
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I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK