i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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