I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm like, not good at living.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
