He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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