i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
