apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
