Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
