haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
