I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
