If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
