Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
