Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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