I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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