i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Watching her eat just hurts me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
