Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
