I will die if light touches me.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he shaved USA in his pubs
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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