I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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