I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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