i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There are leaves in my underwear?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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