On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
