got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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