I want to have your abortion
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
