im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
