She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do herpes really smell.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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