fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
