I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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