I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
