If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
