Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
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Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize