the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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