just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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