I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
