I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
