im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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