You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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