There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
