I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
did i just pee glitter
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
