Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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