I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
