Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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