Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
