you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
