im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
