I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
