I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
