I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
