I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who died my cat blue again?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
