my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
