her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
