Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
