Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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