so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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