my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
