Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
